The (Other) End of the Internet

Welcome back!

One of the things I really enjoy doing is coming up with funny sayings to post as my status message on Facebook. Because I was out of ideas this morning, I searched “funny one-liners” on Google and I hit the jackpot. There are more one-liners than you can shake a funny bone at to be found at OneLinerz.net. They even have a list of the Top 100 funniest one-liners. As an example of the sort of thing I’m talking about, here are the first 20 in the list. You’ll have to click the link to view the other 80 on the list. Enjoy.

1. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
2. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
3. I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
4. Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. “Yes” is the answer.
5. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
6. We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
7. Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.
8. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
9. If I agreed with you we’d both be wrong.
10. Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
11. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
12. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
13. War does not determine who is right – only who is left.
14. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.
15. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
16. Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
17. Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
18. My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
19. The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
20. Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.